1. "Great Job"
Research has shown that tossing out a generic phrase like "Good girl" or "Way to go" every time your child masters a skill makes her dependent on our affirmation rather than her own motivation. Instead, be specific and say "That was nice assist. I like how you looked for your teammate".
My opinion: I have read in Brain Rules for Babies that expressions like "Great job", or "Smart boy" is not praising the child's effort but his natural capabilities. So, when he makes mistakes he will think that he is not smart enough, and will refuse to work harder because he won't understand that by working harder he will do better.
2. "You're okay"
When your child scrapes his knee and bursts into tears, your instinct may be to reassure him that he's not badly hurt. But telling him he's fine may only make him feel worse. Try giving him a hug and acknowledge what he's feeling by saying something like, "That was a scary fall." Then ask whether he'd like a bandage or a kiss (or both).
My opinion: Again in the Brain Rules for Babies, I have read that by saying "You're okay" to a child who is crying it's not showing respect for his feelings. We can't tell our babies how or what to feel. Instead, we need to acknowledge how they are feeling.
3. "Hurry up"
Your child dawdles over her breakfast, insists on trying her own sneakers (even though she hasn't quite mastered the technique yet", and is on pace to be late for school-again. It would be better if you say "Let's hurry", which sends the message that the two of you are on the same team.
My opinion: My mom liked to get housework, and cooking finished very quickly. So, when I was little and I wanted to help her clean or wanted to help/ learn how to make byrek (my favorite Albanian dish), she would let me try only a little bit because she wanted to get things done quickly. So, I never learned how to make byrek from scratch. Give your kids the time they need to learn.
4. "I'm on a diet"
Watching your weight? Keep it to yourself. If your child sees you stepping on the scale every day and hears you talk about being "fat", she may develop and unhealthy body image. It's better, to say, " I'm eating healthy because I like the way it makes me feel". Take the same tack with working out.
My opinion: I would never tell my daughter that I am on a diet (even though, I need to be on diet :)). I want to teach her to eat healthy and to work out but not to be skinny, but to be strong and healthy. I will teach her that eating healthy and working out will help her mind, and soul. And I will show her not only with words but also with actions. I hope one day we can be buddies at the gym.
5. "We can't afford that"
It's easy to use this default response when your child begs you for the latest toy. But doing so send the message that you're not in control of your finances, which can be scary for kids. Choose an alternative way to convey the same idea, such as, "We're not going to buy that because we're saving our money for more important things". If she insists on discussing it further, you have a perfect window to start a conversation about how to budget and manage money.
My opinion: I think this is a great idea. However, I don't think that always bringing the money is a good idea. I think, we need to teach our children that they don't need every new toy that comes out.
Tell me what is our opinion about this article. Thanks for stopping by!
Warmly,
Warmly,
Juliana
I remember thinking my Mom was never really proud of me. She was always there for me, and obviously loved me, but never responded to my efforts with the kind of praise I would get at school or from other adults. I felt constantly inadequate in her eyes. When I finally asked her about it, I found that she, too, had read a book that told her that praise such as "you're great" or "way to go" was damaging. To tell you the truth, I don't believe it does. Based on my studies about autonomy, positive feedback (even when not specific) actually increases individual motivation. An environment of praise also increases creativity. Ronan Tynan, paralympian, doctor, and member of the Irish Tenors came to speak at a BYU forum once, and said he owed his confidence and success (despite extreme physical disability) to his father, who every day would say to him "son, you're great." So that's what I do with my boys, pile on the praise, the love, and the enthusiasm without much thought as to whether I'm doing it right or not. I guess only time will tell if I've done it wrong, but it really seems to be a good thing now.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Sheri. My father was the same way with me. I loved drawing when I was little, and I would ask my parents to grade my drawings. My dad would always give me low grades, and when my mom would ask him why, he would say "So this way she will work harder next time". Maybe that's why I became an accountant and not an artist because he didn't praised or encouraged me the right way. In the Brain Rules for Babies they told about an experiment done with children (can't remember the age) who were separated in two groups. To each of them was given a simple math problem. Most of them solved it. One group of children was praised by saying to them how smart and intelligent they were and to the to other group it was said that they worked really hard and did very well. When they were asked if they wanted to do a more different problem they all accepted. The ones that were told didn't solve the problem and when asked if they wanted to try a harder problem they didn't accept, but the children who were told that they were working hard, they solved the harder problem and accepted the challenge to do a harder one. I am all for praising children, don't get me wrong, but I don't think that saying to my children how smart and intelligent they are would do them any good. I am sure each parent thinks differently, and they should do what they feel it's best for their children. Thanks for your comment and thanks for stopping by!
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